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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Next, I’m feeling adventurous, so I decide to check out the local coffee shop on Zheltoksan. I walk in, and it’s packed. I order a cappuccino, and the barista is like, “You want it hot or cold?” I’m like, “Uh, hot? It’s coffee, not ice cream!”

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